Watch and wait

In the past couple of weeks, I've had some good news. First, some of my symptoms are starting to get better. I'm less tired, have less numbness, and feel less nauseous. I still have all those symptoms to some degree, and still have vertigo (which makes the room look like it's spinning), but I'm getting used to it, and primarily only have the vertigo in certain head positions, so it is manageable. So basically, I'm starting to feel better.

Second, I also got some more information about my brain condition, after meeting with a vascular neurosurgeon. The good news is that surgery is off the table for now. This is a huge relief, because any surgery has risks, and brainstem surgery has substantial risks. So no surgery = less anxiety for the moment.

The bad news is that some of my neurological symptoms are probably permanent, particularly the vertigo. There was definite evidence on the MRI of a bleed in my brain associated with my cavernoma, and this probably damaged some brain tissue, and unfortunately brain tissue doesn't regenerate as easily as some other body tissues do. The other bad news is that the cavernoma is still there and always will be, and will continue to pose a risk for re-bleeding, or other future "neurological events" leading to symptoms. If that does happen, I might end up with more symptoms, some of which might be transient, and some of which might be permanent.

The mixed news is that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this. On the one hand that kind of sucks. But on the other hand, it's also somewhat freeing. I have no major restrictions on my activity, don't have to engage in any special behaviors, and never have to worry that I'm doing something wrong or should be doing something differently related to my cavernoma. If something bad is going to happen, it will happen regardless of what I do, and I'll have to deal with it. That may mean surgery in the future, or not, and may mean that I have more problems in the future, or not. And all the worrying in the world will not change that, so all that's left to do is get on with the business of living my life.

Which, happily, I am able to do. I haven't really missed any work, and probably won't have to. I stopped jogging for a while, but today Jeff and I went for a slow, short jog to ease back into it. Jeff visited this weekend, and we went to the zoo, spent some time with friends, and relaxed. And as I've been feeling slightly shocked and anxious about my diagnosis, I've been reaching out and connecting with my support people, including some very good old (and less old) friends, and family. Thanks to all of you for just existing, because it makes everything easier to know you're all there :)

And just for fun, here is a picture from the zoo. If you look really really carefully, you may be able to spot a meerkat pile-up between the tree and the stump to the left of it. There are at least four meerkats there.

I have a fondness for photos of animals, where the animals are just barely visible (if at all). I have sort of a collection of them. They make me laugh in the same way that it's funny sometimes when a 3-year-old tells you what they just drew, because the picture both is and is not exactly what you are being told it is. So yes, this is a picture of meerkats :)