Existential crisis

For a while now, I feel like I've been in the middle of an existential crisis. The "what am I doing with my life," "what should I be doing with my life," and "what do I want to be doing with my life" type. And I think maybe I'm not the only one; it seems like a lot of people in my general cohort-- those of us who have just finished or are just finishing grad school-- are having the same dilemma. My situation as I see it, is this:

1. What am I doing with my life? Objectively, I am working in a 1-year postdoc position, and looking for another job that will begin when my current position ends. Outside of my regular job, I am attempting to write publishable papers based on research that I have already completed. My time is divided so that during the week I spend approximately 42-45 hours at work, and 8 hours getting to and from work. Right now I also wake up in the dark, and come home from work in the dark.

Subjectively, I am exhausted much of the time because my job is demanding and I don't have a good social group at work. I hate commuting, I resent my work/commute hours because I miss out on all the daylight (at least while it's winter) and I really don't like going jogging in the dark.

2. What should I be doing with my life? This is all subjective, but I think a lot of people come up with similar "shoulds" so I'm sure we've learned it somewhere. I feel like I should be working toward a successful research career, applying for grants, and for positions at research universities (no matter where they are located). I feel like I should be working on this career on my own time (outside of the job I am paid for), because it is in my best interest. At the same time, I feel like I should be accomplishing this happily and with ease, while also having a balanced life full of hobbies, friends, family, etc. And somehow, I shouldn't feel like it's actually stressful, because this should be exactly what I want.

There is another (competing?) set of shoulds that comes from health research, saying that I should be (and so should you be) exercising 30-60 minutes 5-6 days a week, living a low-stress lifestyle, cooking and eating healthy foods slowly, maintaining social connections, and getting in touch with spirituality.

3. What do I want to be doing with my life? This is a tricky question, which sometimes causes me to hyperventilate a little. Right now though, the answer is that I want to have a job that I find fulfilling, with co-workers I like. I want an easy commute (maybe walking, biking, or some easy and short drive). I also only want to work at my job about 30 hours a week (up to 35 or 40 hours if I really have no commute at all and get a reasonable lunch break), so that I have time during my weekdays to exercise every day, keep in touch with friends and family, do housework, and enjoy my hobbies. I do not want to come home and work after work. I want more than 10 vacation days per year, and health insurance. I want a slow-paced lifestyle, and I want to live in a place where I have friends, in a location that I like living. Oh, and also? I want to live in the same place as my husband, and I want him to be happy in his job too.

So, the major dilemma is this-- these three things are not fully lining up at the moment. I do have some of the things I want, but there is a lot of room for improvement. The obvious answer is that I should be trying to achieve the things in #3, but it's complicated. How do you get there? It seems like sometimes you have to do the things in #2 first, and then after many years of struggle, you might be lucky enough to get to #3. Well, I don't want to wait that long.

There is a quote by Annie Dillard that I really like: "How we spend our days, is of course, how we spend our lives." I'm tired of spending my days waiting for my "real life" to start! Is this just me, or is it true that others are feeling this way?