Countdown to Christmas

I am always a big fan of Christmas, and this year I am especially looking forward to it. Going home, seeing my family, visiting friends, and being in a familiar place are all sounding really nice right now. Not that there is anything wrong with things here, just that there really is no place like home for the holidays, and this has been a particularly difficult year!

Jeff and I have finished all our shopping, put up our tree (even though we will be leaving, I've enjoyed having it up for the past two weeks), and baked cookies. For no reason that we could figure out- we followed the recipe, and that recipe has been in use at least since I was a small child- our first batch of cookies turned out so dry that the dough just crumbled. After doing some investigation, I discovered that Canadian all-purpose flour has a higher gluten content and lower moisture content than American all-purpose flour. Who knew? Also, the climate here is much much drier than anywhere on the west coast (where I have previously baked cookies) so that is also likely contributing. I adjusted the recipe slightly for the next batch, and they turned out perfectly. Knowing is half the battle.

Last week was full of medical appointments. I had an evaluation with an occupational therapist (now that I have a routine down with work, PT, and everything else, adding in OT sounds less overwhelming), an appointment with a physiatrist (rehab doctor), and an appointment with a neurosurgeon, in addition to my regular PT appointments. These appointments highlighted a few things for me. First, I have come such a long way in the past 6 months (Thursday was exactly 6 months since surgery). Second, all the doctors are optimistic about my recovery, and in another 6 months it is likely that I will be doing way better than I am now. And third, I have a tendency to "fake good" in my day-to-day life, such that even Jeff doesn't realize how impaired I still am in some areas sometimes. Experts doing evaluations are able to force me to show my deficits, whereas most of the time I am able to hide some of them by using compensations and work-arounds.

There are pros and cons to faking good. On the plus side I am doing my job, keeping an upbeat attitude, and making it so that others are not so uncomfortable being around me. On the downside, very few people in my daily interactions realize how hard I am working or how difficult it is for me to accomplish seemingly simple tasks. And by avoiding doing some of the things that I have the most difficulty with, I don't get practice with them, so they improve more slowly. I am also able to trick myself into thinking I'm doing better than I am sometimes, so this week's appointments were a little rough because there are many neurological tests I still fail, which is discouraging. It's hard sometimes to strike the right balance between acknowledging what's wrong and recognizing what's going well or improving. Too much focus on either side is a problem. I think I generally do a pretty good job walking that line, but it is hugely challenging.

Over Christmas, my plan is to focus more heavily on how much I have improved. My family hasn't seen me in over four months, and they were around to see how bad off I was right after surgery. They will likely be impressed by the difference between then and now, and I will do my best to show off all the positive changes :)