Two steps forward, 1 3/4 steps back

I was recently asked by an acquaintance what percent back to normal I am, and what percent I am likely to ultimately recover. And in what timeframe. To someone who really doesn't know a lot of the details of my day to day life, this certainly sounds like a reasonable question. I imagine that some of you might wonder the same thing. 

But this is not a question with a simple answer – not even close. While I am able to do a multitude of things that I wasn't able to do a year ago, there are still many simple things that I cannot do at all – carry a cup of water without spilling it, walk down even a single step without support, feel around in my purse for my keys. There are some things that I am getting closer to doing (like being able to walk down a step) and other things that I have made zero progress toward (identifying small objects by touch with my right hand). At the same time, some of the things that I have made no progress on I have found workarounds for (like clasping my bra in front where I can see it since I can't do it by feel, or keeping my keys in my left pocket). And then there is progress that has occurred, but which I can't maintain in all situations – for example, I am able to walk primarily with just a cane, except that now that there is ice and snow on the ground it has been necessary to go back to using crutches at least while I am outside.

Almost every single thing I do all day every day has changed in some way because of my physical disabilities. And at the same time, by incorporating changes and workarounds, I am able to do a majority of things that I used to do. So is that close to 0% normal, or closer to maybe 70% normal? I was told early on that if anybody says they know how my recovery is likely to go, they are either lying or deceiving themselves. So far that is the only true thing that has been predicted about my recovery. So how much more will I recover, and in what time frame? I have absolutely no idea. But I do know that continuing to work hard seems to lead to continued progress.

One bit of progress is that I am now able to "run" on the treadmill for short bouts (30 seconds to a minute or so) while holding on to grip bars for support but without being supported in a harness. This means that as long as Jeff is around to adjust speed and press the stop button when I need it, I am allowed to do some treadmill practice outside of physical therapy. We tried doing walking and running bouts on the treadmill at the gym, but the level of noise and distraction made it really difficult. Given that I can't do more than a total of about 10 minutes at a time anyway (up to around two minutes of jogging in short segments interspersed with walking), it seemed a better idea to buy a used treadmill and keep it in the basement than to deal with the hassles of the gym. So we did.

We have had the treadmill for several weeks, but I haven't been able to use it much. The main reason is that the place that we originally tried to put it was not level, leading to all sorts of problems. Basement floors around here tend to be quite lumpy, so we had to rearrange furniture to try to find a flatter spot. Yesterday Jeff and two of our friends moved the treadmill to a new location (which, because of its awkward shape and heaviness, and the fact that it needed to go through a narrow door, turned out to be quite a feat), and I am hopeful that this will work better.

The boys, hard at work

Sometimes progress feels excruciatingly slow, but all I can do is keep trying, and know that with effort, sometime in the future I will be able to do things that I cannot do today.