Mixed emotions

I am finding myself having lots of mixed emotions lately. The intensity of my hormones is probably making all this more prominent for me, but the emotions themselves are real.

First, there is annoyance and displeasure related to grading student papers. I just really dislike doing this, and then there are specific annoyances like the fact that many of my white students think that it is unnecessary and even offensive to state someone's race or ethnicity when giving a biographical sketch. My students this semester had to read a memoir by someone diagnosed with a psychological disorder. They had to write a paper based on that memoir, incorporating research and critical analysis of the diagnosis based on the experience of the individual who wrote the memoir. So context factors like socioeconomic status and race are important in understanding the experience of the individual. I actually had someone say that "it seems like a weird thing to state" to talk about these things, essentially implying that I should not be asking them to include those things about the subject of their paper. I feel like this means that people were just not paying attention in my class all semester. But I also know that this is just a thing here in Saskatchewan – people are so uncomfortable talking about race that some people don't even know what that means when you ask them to put their race/ethnicity on a survey, or they openly state that it is offensive to ask about that. It is only white people who do this, people who have the luxury of not being aware of the fact that they have a racial identity. This has come up multiple times since moving here, but grading my students' papers is activating the severe annoyance that I have.

I also feel a little sad, as spring hits and lots of people are out walking and jogging and enjoying the weather, and I can't do those things. It's true, Jeff and I were able to go for a walk today, but it's also true that we can't walk as far, and I can't go by myself. I can hold Jeff's hand and know that he is watching for cars (turning my head to look both ways before I cross the street can throw me off balance), and know that he will provide support if I need it (whereas a cane or crutches or any other type of support is something that I have to control and pay much more attention to). This tires me out quite a bit even with the extra support, and I feel sad about not being able to just go for a walk like I used to.

I also find myself angry and frustrated when dealing with how difficult it is to convey to other people the degree to which my disability impacts every aspect of my life. Of course I really don't know what life with a baby will be like, but I do know that there are a lot of things that are going to be different for me than for most parents. People give advice, or say "oh, you figure it out once the baby comes," and I think to an extent that is true, but there are a lot of things that I have to think about ahead of time just so we will be able to get through the first few days. For example, since I won't be able to carry the baby around for very long without getting fatigued (which is a safety issue, because once my arms get fatigued I physically will not be able to support the baby, and when my body gets fatigued generally my balance suffers and I can't really walk safely) we have to think about ways to move the baby around the house that don't involve me carrying it. Since I cannot get out of bed in the dark (I need my vision to know where the floor is) we have to figure out what we will do for night wakings. These are the kinds of things that people say we just shouldn't worry about, and that makes me angry and frustrated because they just really don't understand that it isn't the same for me as for other people. I am not particularly worried about these things, as there are many ways around them (keeping a buggy or stroller in the house, using a cosleeper), it's just difficult to know acutely that people don't understand, even when they are trying to. But how can I expect them to? People are used to a certain range of physical abilities, and it's hard to fully grasp what it means when someone falls outside that range. No matter what I say, this is not an experience that most people have, and without that experience it would take an awful lot of talking about it and seeing it to get what it means for me.

At the same time, I am feeling very happy and content. Whenever I actually think about the fact that we are having a baby, that the reason my belly is expanding is because there's a baby in there, I feel nothing but positive. I know that having a baby is hard, and that there will be lots and lots of changes, but none of that really scares me or bothers me. It is what we want, and have wanted for a very long time, at a very deep level. All the other stuff that bothers me can be pretty much wiped out by patting my belly and thinking "that's my baby."