Hitting the re-set button

Whenever I start to feel like something is a little off, or not working right, or headed in the wrong direction, the phrase "hit the re-set button" always pops into my head. To me, that means take a step back, go back to the "you are here" spot on the map, and take a fresh look around, either literally or metaphorically, depending on what needs re-setting.

It's been a while since I posted here, and I think it's time to hit the re-set button on the blog. In this context, I think that means starting today, getting back into a more regular pattern of posts. And what better way to start than to have a whole post about re-sets?

Today I had to hit the button on a client. I had been seeing him for 9 sessions, and we had literally gotten nowhere on the problem he came in with. The therapy I was doing with him obviously was not addressing what he most needed help with. Re-set! Brand new plan, new direction, and a big sigh of relief for both of us.

Health-wise, I have been doing very well lately (up until the past week; see below), feeling about 90-95% normal, and very happy about it. However, while I was not feeling well I started to get into new habits and schedules, and my exercise routine was suffering. Re-set! A few weeks ago I started fresh and have gone back to jogging 3 times a week, and think I am gradually getting myself back into shape.

Unfortunately, the past week or so I've been feeling extra dizzy again, and have been having some nausea for the first time in a while. One accommodation I make for this involves getting up at least once an hour and taking a little walk up and down the hall. I don't know why this helps with the vertigo but it does, and when I asked my neurologist, he said it was kind of like hitting the re-set button. Oh yes indeed. Re-set!

And, finally, the biggest re-set of all is coming up in just 6 weeks. Believe it or not, that is how long I have before internship ends, and my dear husband arrives in San Diego to retrieve me. We will be taking about a week to drive from here to Seattle, and will make several stops along the way, so stay tuned and be ready to make some plans for us to visit if you live along the I-5 corridor!

Hangin in the airport

One hour ago I was happily on my way to Seattle for a visit with Jeff, on the plane in my awesome seat (just behind first class, window seat, no one next to me), plane speeding down the runway about to be airborne, when suddenly we came to a screeching halt. Apparently another plane spotted "something leaking from our engine." After a few minutes surrounded by emergency vehicles, we went back to the gate, got off the plane, and now I'm sitting here waiting for another plane to arrive for us to get on. We will probably be leaving around the time I was supposed to arrive. Short weekend visits do not need to be made shorter by airplanes leaking fuel!

Fun in the Sun

Jeff and I had an excellent spring break together, and this afternoon, Jeff went back to Seattle. I am always sad to see him go, but happy to have had time together. Our week was very eventful:

We did our taxes, which wasn't so fun, but it's done now, and that's the important thing.

We went to the Anza-Borrego desert, which is beautiful, and saw an amazing show of desert flowers (normally it's brown and dry, but after the rain it's actually sort of green in places, and the flowers bloom for a few weeks), cacti, and a real-life palm oasis:




We also took a bike ride around Mission Bay,

went to the Wild Animal park and saw a baby elephant,

hiked around Torrey Pines state park,

and spent time with friends.

All in all, an excellent use of a week together. And I'm starting to feel like a normal person again :)

Spring Break

I am taking a spring break this year. Jeff is coming down to visit on Saturday, and staying for a week, and I'm taking the whole week off of work. After almost two months of not feeling my best, I am ready for a vacation.

And honestly, the past few weeks I've been feeling a little burned out. I've been busier than usual, partly due to cramming people in around doctor's appointments and such, but partly because the influx of patients into our clinics appears to be seasonal, and we're in high season. And my clients have been more intense than usual (more people in crisis, considering suicide, becoming homeless, etc.). So I am really really ready for a vacation.

One more work day, and then it's sleeping in, enjoying the lovely SoCal spring, and spending every day with my husband for a week :)

Watch and wait

In the past couple of weeks, I've had some good news. First, some of my symptoms are starting to get better. I'm less tired, have less numbness, and feel less nauseous. I still have all those symptoms to some degree, and still have vertigo (which makes the room look like it's spinning), but I'm getting used to it, and primarily only have the vertigo in certain head positions, so it is manageable. So basically, I'm starting to feel better.

Second, I also got some more information about my brain condition, after meeting with a vascular neurosurgeon. The good news is that surgery is off the table for now. This is a huge relief, because any surgery has risks, and brainstem surgery has substantial risks. So no surgery = less anxiety for the moment.

The bad news is that some of my neurological symptoms are probably permanent, particularly the vertigo. There was definite evidence on the MRI of a bleed in my brain associated with my cavernoma, and this probably damaged some brain tissue, and unfortunately brain tissue doesn't regenerate as easily as some other body tissues do. The other bad news is that the cavernoma is still there and always will be, and will continue to pose a risk for re-bleeding, or other future "neurological events" leading to symptoms. If that does happen, I might end up with more symptoms, some of which might be transient, and some of which might be permanent.

The mixed news is that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this. On the one hand that kind of sucks. But on the other hand, it's also somewhat freeing. I have no major restrictions on my activity, don't have to engage in any special behaviors, and never have to worry that I'm doing something wrong or should be doing something differently related to my cavernoma. If something bad is going to happen, it will happen regardless of what I do, and I'll have to deal with it. That may mean surgery in the future, or not, and may mean that I have more problems in the future, or not. And all the worrying in the world will not change that, so all that's left to do is get on with the business of living my life.

Which, happily, I am able to do. I haven't really missed any work, and probably won't have to. I stopped jogging for a while, but today Jeff and I went for a slow, short jog to ease back into it. Jeff visited this weekend, and we went to the zoo, spent some time with friends, and relaxed. And as I've been feeling slightly shocked and anxious about my diagnosis, I've been reaching out and connecting with my support people, including some very good old (and less old) friends, and family. Thanks to all of you for just existing, because it makes everything easier to know you're all there :)

And just for fun, here is a picture from the zoo. If you look really really carefully, you may be able to spot a meerkat pile-up between the tree and the stump to the left of it. There are at least four meerkats there.

I have a fondness for photos of animals, where the animals are just barely visible (if at all). I have sort of a collection of them. They make me laugh in the same way that it's funny sometimes when a 3-year-old tells you what they just drew, because the picture both is and is not exactly what you are being told it is. So yes, this is a picture of meerkats :)