Karate Carrot

No time for proper post today, so instead I give you this:

Two steps forward, 1 3/4 steps back

I was recently asked by an acquaintance what percent back to normal I am, and what percent I am likely to ultimately recover. And in what timeframe. To someone who really doesn't know a lot of the details of my day to day life, this certainly sounds like a reasonable question. I imagine that some of you might wonder the same thing. 

But this is not a question with a simple answer – not even close. While I am able to do a multitude of things that I wasn't able to do a year ago, there are still many simple things that I cannot do at all – carry a cup of water without spilling it, walk down even a single step without support, feel around in my purse for my keys. There are some things that I am getting closer to doing (like being able to walk down a step) and other things that I have made zero progress toward (identifying small objects by touch with my right hand). At the same time, some of the things that I have made no progress on I have found workarounds for (like clasping my bra in front where I can see it since I can't do it by feel, or keeping my keys in my left pocket). And then there is progress that has occurred, but which I can't maintain in all situations – for example, I am able to walk primarily with just a cane, except that now that there is ice and snow on the ground it has been necessary to go back to using crutches at least while I am outside.

Almost every single thing I do all day every day has changed in some way because of my physical disabilities. And at the same time, by incorporating changes and workarounds, I am able to do a majority of things that I used to do. So is that close to 0% normal, or closer to maybe 70% normal? I was told early on that if anybody says they know how my recovery is likely to go, they are either lying or deceiving themselves. So far that is the only true thing that has been predicted about my recovery. So how much more will I recover, and in what time frame? I have absolutely no idea. But I do know that continuing to work hard seems to lead to continued progress.

One bit of progress is that I am now able to "run" on the treadmill for short bouts (30 seconds to a minute or so) while holding on to grip bars for support but without being supported in a harness. This means that as long as Jeff is around to adjust speed and press the stop button when I need it, I am allowed to do some treadmill practice outside of physical therapy. We tried doing walking and running bouts on the treadmill at the gym, but the level of noise and distraction made it really difficult. Given that I can't do more than a total of about 10 minutes at a time anyway (up to around two minutes of jogging in short segments interspersed with walking), it seemed a better idea to buy a used treadmill and keep it in the basement than to deal with the hassles of the gym. So we did.

We have had the treadmill for several weeks, but I haven't been able to use it much. The main reason is that the place that we originally tried to put it was not level, leading to all sorts of problems. Basement floors around here tend to be quite lumpy, so we had to rearrange furniture to try to find a flatter spot. Yesterday Jeff and two of our friends moved the treadmill to a new location (which, because of its awkward shape and heaviness, and the fact that it needed to go through a narrow door, turned out to be quite a feat), and I am hopeful that this will work better.

The boys, hard at work

Sometimes progress feels excruciatingly slow, but all I can do is keep trying, and know that with effort, sometime in the future I will be able to do things that I cannot do today.

Winter and muffins

Well, it appears that winter has arrived. As I may have mentioned before, it seems that everyone around here has a little bit of PTSD related to last winter, and there is a general sense of dread about the weather change. At the same time, while we have had a bit of snow it hasn't stuck around, which is different from this time last year. It is starting to get cold, but the weather is still a bit erratic, and we haven't had a stretch yet where it didn't get above freezing for more than a few days in a row. Also, we are better prepared for winter's arrival this year – we have our winter tires on, we have arranged for underground parking at work for the winter months, and we own a snow shovel and weather appropriate outerwear. We also have a garage this year, and although it is detached from the house and requires a short walk outside, it will definitely make a huge difference since there will be no scraping or brushing off snow to worry about when we leave for work in the morning. So although the temperature outside is currently -11°C/12°F, and the low tonight is predicted to be -21°C/-6°F, we are reasonably relaxed about the weather.

I continue to have my ups and downs related to recovery, but the past month has come with sort of a change. Since my surgery, most of the time when I think about times in the past it is about times when I was much more physically able than I am now, and this often makes me sad. But last year around the end of October into November was the first time since surgery that I started to feel at all like myself, and now I find myself reflecting back on a year ago and being able to see how much better I am now than I was then. It's hard to explain, but there is a definite shift.

I have come to accept that regardless of how much more I am able to recover physically, I will never be quite the same. But different does not have to mean worse. Right now different definitely does mean harder, but I am continually learning to adapt to my limitations and improve functionally. A year ago, I didn't really want to think about having to learn to adapt, I wanted things to go back to normal. But at this point, the recovery I'm making is related to learning, not so much to healing. I am glad that my brain is not so set in its ways that it can't learn new ways of doing old things-- and new ways of doing new things, like dealing with the physical challenges of ice, snow, and cold.

One year ago, things were so difficult and I was so easily fatigued that I spent a good deal of my free time sitting on the couch watching TV (mostly the food network). Yesterday, I decided I wanted to make muffins, and while I did have to think about fatigue and being careful not to overdo it, it was generally not such a big deal. I even made up a recipe, because I didn't really like the ones I was able to find. So here is my muffin recipe, made possible by new learning:

1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup rolled oats
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon ginger
3/4 cup milk
3/4 cup applesauce
1 egg
1/4 cup molasses
2 tablespoons canola oil

Mix together dry ingredients in one bowl and wet ingredients in another, then combine being careful not to over mix. Pour batter into a greased muffin pan, and cook at 375°F until a toothpick inserted into the center of a muffin comes out clean (I didn't really pay attention to the time, maybe 20 minutes?). Makes 12. Enjoy!

UPDATE
P.S. I almost forgot to include an update about Jeff's rib – fortunately it is not cracked, just bruised, and starting to get better :)

October

 This past month has been full to brimming, and given that it has been a few weeks since I posted, I will hit some of the highlights:

The second weekend in October we celebrated Thanksgiving (the Canadian version), with pumpkin gnocchi, pumpkin pie, fresh baked rolls, mashed potatoes (with potatoes from our garden), honey ginger roasted carrots (with carrots from the garden), cranberry sauce, and stuffing. It was quite a feast, which we enjoyed with our friends Vanessa and Jason.

The next week, Jeff went to Memphis for a conference. I stayed home, and continuing my spirit of exploring, headed to my local yarn store for Saturday knitting group. A majority of the knitters there were grandmothers, so a little bit outside of my age range, but welcoming and very nice, and the experience of being in that space surrounded by conversation and the quiet clicking of needles was very relaxing. I went back yesterday, and will likely make a regular practice of going when I can.

Last weekend, we went to Calgary (a plane ride of just over an hour) for Jeff's brother's wedding. We got to meet our new niece Ella (Jeff's sister's baby, three months old).

I got her to smile :)

Ella turned out to be a demon on the dance floor:

Maman wearing sleeping Ella, Mama, and Jeff

Jeff got a little crazy as the night went on (just because he's Jeff, there was probably very little effect of having had a couple of drinks), and unfortunately I didn't get a video, but he attempted to do a breakdancing move called "the worm," which he really did not know how to do. He got down on the floor on his stomach and started flopping wildly like a fish out of water for about three seconds. He immediately noted that his chest hurt, and after a couple of days of things not getting better I convinced him to go to the doctor. She said he may have a cracked rib, and he got x-rays done but we don't have the results yet.

The day after the wedding, we celebrated Jeff's birthday with a family brunch. Then back home and back to work. The house was festively decorated for Halloween, and we had about 15 or 20 trick-or-treaters. Then yesterday I made cupcakes (chocolate with cinnamon butter cream frosting) and we had friends over for a second birthday celebration.

Things should be settling down now, with a calmer month ahead. And although we had one day of snow already, it quickly melted and the weather has been decidedly still fall. All in all a good month :-)

Finding Balance

Things are starting to settle down and settle into a routine this semester. We are now five weeks down, eight weeks to go, and I can hardly believe the semester is almost half over (ish). It has taken some time to get back into the swing of things after having a relatively slow summer, work wise, and I still feel like I'm trying to figure out how to balance everything.

Last fall, Jeff and I had a fairly strict routine out of necessity. This fall, there is a bit more wiggle room with things, because I am much more independent. In a way, this makes things harder. There is more that I can do, more options, and therefore more pressures and choices about how I spend my time. At work, how much time do I spend on teaching versus research? On any individual task versus the many other tasks I have to choose from? And then, the question of how much time do I spend working? What counts as time spent working? If I am at home, reading news stories on my phone, and then happen to get and respond to a work-related email, is that work? Not really, but perhaps it's not exactly relaxing either. And when it comes to allocating my limited energy, how much should be spent on physically demanding tasks like focused exercise and how much should be saved to keep a reserve?

I am finding this last question to be the hardest in some ways. The other things I have practice with, years worth of practice going back to the beginning of grad school, and as is the case with many other things that one practices a lot it is getting easier. For example, two weeks ago I realized I was seriously overdoing it just with regard to how my Mondays were structured with teaching, and I have effectively implemented a plan that seems to be working. But in the past, it has always been the case that choosing exercise over couch-potatoing ended up leading to more energy and feeling better. Now, a certain amount of exercise will lead to feeling better, but too much exercise will lead to exhaustion and the deterioration of some of my physical abilities.

For the past six months or so, my physical therapist has been encouraging me to be careful about overdoing it with regard to exercise, work, and in general with how I fill my time. I have been taking her suggestions to heart, and part of this has meant spending a lot less time on focused exercise (by which I mean everything from doing an ab work out at home, to riding a stationary bike at the gym, to going for a bike ride outside). But now I'm starting to think that I need to get back into a regular exercise routine, because I think I can handle a little bit more than I could have a few months ago. At the same time, there is no way to really know what the limit is except to cross it, so upping my activity level will undoubtedly mean some days of overdoing it. Again, it's the problem of trying to hit a moving target.

But that's just life, isn't it? I doubt I know one person who never has these kinds of problems. The specific content or focus may change, but the general problem seems to remain, no matter what the circumstances. I hope that somehow by putting so much effort into regaining my physical balance, somehow the things I learn will help me to manage this metaphorical balance as well :)