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For a long time, and very prominently since May, I have been avoiding a topic on this blog that has featured very importantly in our lives. I had plans to let the cat out of the bag when the issue resolved, but now that is not going to happen as quickly as we had hoped/planned. Avoidance is getting too hard, so I'm just going to spill it: Jeff and I are trying to get pregnant.
The full story is extremely long, so I will try to give an abbreviated version. A little over four years ago we decided that the timing was right to have a baby. We had first started talking about it around four years prior to that, but it wasn't the right time with the stresses of grad school (financial instability, future unknowns, etc.). After spending some time trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, we got some basic testing done to see if there was a problem in that department, and discovered that Jeff had a very low sperm count.
Skip ahead to early 2012, and we were making plans to start in vitro fertilization (IVF). We had gone through quite a bit of discussion, consultation with doctors, and even medical intervention, and it turned out that this was our only option if we wanted to have our own baby. After much testing and preparation, we were finally ready to proceed. Then, the day after our appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist (IVF Dr.), my brain bled.
So I had brain surgery in June 2012, and for a good long time after that was really in no position to have a happy, healthy pregnancy. Then, once again after much discussion and consultation with doctors, we decided in early 2014 that the timing was right, and I could physically handle a pregnancy without putting my own well-being at risk.
Saskatchewan is the only province in Canada that has no health coverage for fertility treatments, and since that means we would be paying out-of-pocket anyway, we decided to go to Oregon Health and Science University (OHSU) instead of a more local but less well-established clinic. This has involved many phone calls, several trips to Portland, and lots of complicated coordination between very different healthcare systems.
Our road trip to Oregon in June was only part vacation – we were also in Portland for IVF. We had some idea what we were getting into, but didn't really understand how intense a process IVF is until starting it ourselves. There are many weeks of drugs, including a variety of self-administered injections, many blood draws and appointments that are at times daily, and the whole process is very physically taxing. We had originally hoped that we would be coming home from Oregon pregnant, but for medical reasons (related to IVF, not to my other medical issues), pregnancy was once again put on hold. We were able to get six embryos created, but they were all frozen for later use.
After returning home, we started to prepare for a frozen embryo transfer (FET). The preparation involves about seven weeks of drugs, blood tests, and ultrasounds. We went back to Portland for a FET on September 3, and then waited twelve (excruciating) days for a pregnancy test.
Have you ever heard that saying "you can't be half pregnant?" It is supposed to suggest that there are some things in life that really are black and white. As with most things, it turns out that this is an oversimplification. On September 15, my pregnancy test came back "inconclusive," because my hormone levels were in between what is considered to be definitely pregnant, and definitely not pregnant. I went back every two days for blood tests, and my hormone levels were low but rising, indicating that I was not not pregnant, but that the chances that this would be a viable pregnancy were quite low.
Finally, on Monday, it was determined that my hormone levels were not rising quickly enough, and that this would definitely not be a viable pregnancy. Still up in the air was whether it would simply be an early miscarriage, or an ectopic pregnancy (which can be quite dangerous if not treated appropriately). So, more blood tests. Today my hormone levels started to drop considerably, meaning that this failed pregnancy will be taking care of itself, with no need for such careful monitoring or intervention.
People talk about miscarriage as if it is an event that occurs at a specific time, with a clearly defined beginning and end. Maybe in some cases that is how it works, but in my case not so much. It is hard to say exactly, but I have probably been in the process of losing this (very early) pregnancy for about a week, and before it is fully over it might be another week or two (before hormone levels get back down to definitely not pregnant levels).
We can't say yet exactly when we will be headed back for round two, but it will definitely be a few months. We have to wait for my hormone levels to get all the way back down to normal, then let my body rest, then dive back into seven weeks of preparation (lots of drugs, blood tests, ultrasounds) before we can actually transfer another embryo.
So, that is where we are. All this going on at the same time that we are trying to focus on other things, like the start of the semester. I am ambivalent about posting all this. On the one hand, I feel like some people already know more about my personal business, like medical issues, than they need to. Also, pregnancy is one of those things that people tend not to talk about until they have a viable pregnancy with low chance of miscarriage. On the other hand, it feels like I am putting up a front, and to be honest is just really exhausting, to continue talking about what is going on in my life while leaving out what is most central to me right now. Plus, many of the people who read this blog already know parts of this story. I know that some of you are wondering what is up, and since it has been a difficult couple of weeks I haven't really been up to providing an update. A blog post seemed like the most efficient way to do it.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Stuff this week
I was not sure what to blog about today so I will just tell you some things that happened this week:
1. We got our new MasterCard debit cards in the mail, and went to the bank and changed our pins and made sure everything was activated and now we are back to normal in this respect. However, the woman at the bank was confused by something in the system, and was trying to make sense of it by telling us things that made no sense. So hopefully this is all fixed, but it seems possible that there will still be a little trouble!
2. I had my first yoga class. There were a number of exercises that I found very challenging, and a few I couldn't do at all, but it turns out that being in a beginner yoga class I blend in very well. There are lots of people in the class with varying athletic abilities and physical abilities, and although I think I'm the only person with serious balance problems, there are others who seem to be having just as much trouble as I am but with different exercises and for different reasons (an older guy with a serious shoulder issue, several people who seem to have severely limited flexibility). I really enjoyed the class and am glad I signed up for it!
3. I also had my first aquacize class. I think I was the only person under sixty, and was definitely the only person who had not taken the class before. However, I fit in completely while getting to and from and in and out of the pool, as many people in this class have physical disabilities and walk with canes and need to put on no-slip shoes to be safe getting to and from the locker room. So it turns out that since everyone else has taken this class before, I am the only person in class who doesn't know all the exercises, and my prediction about where I would fit in and where I wouldn't was incorrect.
4. I had an unexpected visitor to my graduate class last week. Over the summer I spoke with a ninety-something-year-old emeritus professor who had retired sometime in the 80s. He expressed an interest in coming to my class to see what students were learning about psychotherapy these days. I told him to get in touch with me when the term had started to set up a time where he might come to class, or possibly even give a guest lecture. On Tuesday when I showed up in my seminar room, there he was sitting around the table with my students. He stayed for the portion of class where we were discussing readings, but I asked him to leave before beginning the skills-based portion of the class (e.g., where the students role-play). He indicated that he would like to come back, and that he would like to participate in role-play exercises with the students.
After carefully considering what to do, I ended up sending him an email asking him not to come back to class unless he wants to do so to give a guest lecture (on a specific, predetermined date that we agree on). Unfortunately, I can tell from my university email program (because he is also on the university email system) that he has not yet read the message. I do not have his phone number. I am a bit worried that he might show up to class again on Tuesday, and that I will have to have a conversation with him in person, right there and then, about not coming to class. I will do it if I have to, but it is really not fun having to kick a ninety-something-year-old emeritus professor (with decades more experience than I have) out of my class. I can see the perspective where someone might think it is harmless for him to come to class, but it absolutely changes the dynamic and the comfort level in the room. I cannot teach effectively when there is someone in the room who doesn't belong there, especially when it is a graduate level class where I expect full and mostly uninhibited participation, and there are only ten students in the room. I do not love this kind of situation.
5. We are having beautiful sunny weather, highs in the mid 70s, with bright blue skies. It is perfect early fall weather, with some of the leaves on the trees just starting to turn yellow and some just starting to fall. I know that it won't be too long before we have to face winter again, but I am trying to enjoy this lovely weather while we have it! I had work to do this weekend, but I spent all afternoon yesterday outside on a blanket in the backyard (under our very tall sunflowers that are just now starting to bloom) grading papers and reading. Next weekend is slated for harvest of potatoes, beets, and carrots from the garden, and we will be fortunate to have Jeff's dad visiting during that time to help :-) I just hope that we have weather this nice for his visit!
1. We got our new MasterCard debit cards in the mail, and went to the bank and changed our pins and made sure everything was activated and now we are back to normal in this respect. However, the woman at the bank was confused by something in the system, and was trying to make sense of it by telling us things that made no sense. So hopefully this is all fixed, but it seems possible that there will still be a little trouble!
2. I had my first yoga class. There were a number of exercises that I found very challenging, and a few I couldn't do at all, but it turns out that being in a beginner yoga class I blend in very well. There are lots of people in the class with varying athletic abilities and physical abilities, and although I think I'm the only person with serious balance problems, there are others who seem to be having just as much trouble as I am but with different exercises and for different reasons (an older guy with a serious shoulder issue, several people who seem to have severely limited flexibility). I really enjoyed the class and am glad I signed up for it!
3. I also had my first aquacize class. I think I was the only person under sixty, and was definitely the only person who had not taken the class before. However, I fit in completely while getting to and from and in and out of the pool, as many people in this class have physical disabilities and walk with canes and need to put on no-slip shoes to be safe getting to and from the locker room. So it turns out that since everyone else has taken this class before, I am the only person in class who doesn't know all the exercises, and my prediction about where I would fit in and where I wouldn't was incorrect.
4. I had an unexpected visitor to my graduate class last week. Over the summer I spoke with a ninety-something-year-old emeritus professor who had retired sometime in the 80s. He expressed an interest in coming to my class to see what students were learning about psychotherapy these days. I told him to get in touch with me when the term had started to set up a time where he might come to class, or possibly even give a guest lecture. On Tuesday when I showed up in my seminar room, there he was sitting around the table with my students. He stayed for the portion of class where we were discussing readings, but I asked him to leave before beginning the skills-based portion of the class (e.g., where the students role-play). He indicated that he would like to come back, and that he would like to participate in role-play exercises with the students.
After carefully considering what to do, I ended up sending him an email asking him not to come back to class unless he wants to do so to give a guest lecture (on a specific, predetermined date that we agree on). Unfortunately, I can tell from my university email program (because he is also on the university email system) that he has not yet read the message. I do not have his phone number. I am a bit worried that he might show up to class again on Tuesday, and that I will have to have a conversation with him in person, right there and then, about not coming to class. I will do it if I have to, but it is really not fun having to kick a ninety-something-year-old emeritus professor (with decades more experience than I have) out of my class. I can see the perspective where someone might think it is harmless for him to come to class, but it absolutely changes the dynamic and the comfort level in the room. I cannot teach effectively when there is someone in the room who doesn't belong there, especially when it is a graduate level class where I expect full and mostly uninhibited participation, and there are only ten students in the room. I do not love this kind of situation.
5. We are having beautiful sunny weather, highs in the mid 70s, with bright blue skies. It is perfect early fall weather, with some of the leaves on the trees just starting to turn yellow and some just starting to fall. I know that it won't be too long before we have to face winter again, but I am trying to enjoy this lovely weather while we have it! I had work to do this weekend, but I spent all afternoon yesterday outside on a blanket in the backyard (under our very tall sunflowers that are just now starting to bloom) grading papers and reading. Next weekend is slated for harvest of potatoes, beets, and carrots from the garden, and we will be fortunate to have Jeff's dad visiting during that time to help :-) I just hope that we have weather this nice for his visit!
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Declined and denied
Over the past week we have been dealing with bizarro world credit card/bankcard issues.
In the US, it is common to have a debit card that is tied to your bank account but can also be used as a Visa or MasterCard. Here in Canada, that is not so common. However, our local credit union offers a MasterCard debit card, and this is what we use for almost all of our purchases. We also have debit/bank cards, but I don't even know my pin, because the MasterCard debit functions exactly the same, but can also be used as a credit card (e.g., for online purchases where a chip and pin debit doesn't work), and we earn "choice rewards" points which we can use for travel, gift cards to stores we shop at, or merchandise.
So imagine my surprise at having my card declined with a basket full of purchases and a long line of customers behind me. I tried to use my regular debit card but got locked out after unsuccessfully trying three different pin numbers that were all wrong, and had no other way to pay for my purchases. I left them in a bag at the cash register, and tried calling the number on the back of the card. The guy I talked to said that they were blocking my purchases, but had no record of why, and after talking to his supervisor said he had fixed it. So I went back to the cash register, waited again for my turn in line, and tried once again to make my purchase. Still declined. I finally realized that I had an American credit card in my wallet, and successfully used that to complete my transaction.
After another long conversation with the same customer service agent (just good luck – he was at a call center in India so it was surprising to both of us when I reached him the second time), it was determined that for no reason on record both my card and Jeff's card were being completely blocked, and we would have to go to the bank to order new cards.
Jeff went to the bank, and the person he spoke to insisted that his card was fine. So Jeff went to the ATM to test it out, and he received a message that said "UN-AUTHORIZED ACCESS" and the machine ate his card. Jeff went back to the same person who apparently was so shocked by this that he was literally speechless with his mouth open. Jeff was lucky enough to be able to speak to the regional manager, who was able to see something on the account that no one else could see – somewhere there was a fake/erroneous record of me calling to report fraud. The best guess about what happened is that Jeff ran his card at a business where fraud had occurred at some point, and even though there was no fraud on our card, they ended up shutting our access off completely without telling us. So now we are supposed to receive our new cards in a week to ten days, and in the meantime I have to find other ways to make purchases (I should probably somehow get to the bank during their ridiculously short open hours to reset my debit card pin, but this can be challenging during a full work week).
This is the short version of the story. There are actually many more phone calls that both Jeff and I made, with people insisting that our cards were fine. I imagine this is probably one of the most boring blog posts I have written, but it was an important part of our week :-)
In other news, Jeff's VCR broke, which he was very distraught about because he has some VHS tapes that are completely unique or very rare and not available anywhere else or in other formats. So, I did a quick search and found someone selling a used VCR which Jeff just bought and brought home. It apparently came with quite an interesting collection of tapes, which I am now going to check out!
In the US, it is common to have a debit card that is tied to your bank account but can also be used as a Visa or MasterCard. Here in Canada, that is not so common. However, our local credit union offers a MasterCard debit card, and this is what we use for almost all of our purchases. We also have debit/bank cards, but I don't even know my pin, because the MasterCard debit functions exactly the same, but can also be used as a credit card (e.g., for online purchases where a chip and pin debit doesn't work), and we earn "choice rewards" points which we can use for travel, gift cards to stores we shop at, or merchandise.
So imagine my surprise at having my card declined with a basket full of purchases and a long line of customers behind me. I tried to use my regular debit card but got locked out after unsuccessfully trying three different pin numbers that were all wrong, and had no other way to pay for my purchases. I left them in a bag at the cash register, and tried calling the number on the back of the card. The guy I talked to said that they were blocking my purchases, but had no record of why, and after talking to his supervisor said he had fixed it. So I went back to the cash register, waited again for my turn in line, and tried once again to make my purchase. Still declined. I finally realized that I had an American credit card in my wallet, and successfully used that to complete my transaction.
After another long conversation with the same customer service agent (just good luck – he was at a call center in India so it was surprising to both of us when I reached him the second time), it was determined that for no reason on record both my card and Jeff's card were being completely blocked, and we would have to go to the bank to order new cards.
Jeff went to the bank, and the person he spoke to insisted that his card was fine. So Jeff went to the ATM to test it out, and he received a message that said "UN-AUTHORIZED ACCESS" and the machine ate his card. Jeff went back to the same person who apparently was so shocked by this that he was literally speechless with his mouth open. Jeff was lucky enough to be able to speak to the regional manager, who was able to see something on the account that no one else could see – somewhere there was a fake/erroneous record of me calling to report fraud. The best guess about what happened is that Jeff ran his card at a business where fraud had occurred at some point, and even though there was no fraud on our card, they ended up shutting our access off completely without telling us. So now we are supposed to receive our new cards in a week to ten days, and in the meantime I have to find other ways to make purchases (I should probably somehow get to the bank during their ridiculously short open hours to reset my debit card pin, but this can be challenging during a full work week).
This is the short version of the story. There are actually many more phone calls that both Jeff and I made, with people insisting that our cards were fine. I imagine this is probably one of the most boring blog posts I have written, but it was an important part of our week :-)
In other news, Jeff's VCR broke, which he was very distraught about because he has some VHS tapes that are completely unique or very rare and not available anywhere else or in other formats. So, I did a quick search and found someone selling a used VCR which Jeff just bought and brought home. It apparently came with quite an interesting collection of tapes, which I am now going to check out!
Sunday, September 07, 2014
First week of school
Last week was the first week of school, but it was a partial week and I only taught one class. This coming week will be the first full week, and will involve making adjustments and getting back into the swing of things. I am teaching an undergraduate class that I have taught multiple times before (a 200-level personality psychology class), and a graduate class that I am teaching for the first time (an advanced courses on psychological interventions). I am not at all nervous about these classes; I am quite comfortable with the material and I'm actually really looking forward to this semester's teaching. What I am nervous about is two classes that I have signed up for: deep water aquacise and yoga.
When I was in college and graduate school, I often signed up for PE classes; I took everything from lap swimming to African dance to yoga and Pilates. However, this is the first time since my surgery that I will be taking such a class, and I am very nervous about the idea of trying to fit in and adapt to classes for "normal" people. The main issues with aquacise will be getting in and out of the pool, and managing the wet floors and shower in the locker room; I expect that I will probably be able to do all of the exercises. With yoga, it is the opposite – I will probably look pretty normal until it comes time to do anything that requires balance (which will be often), and then I will have to either modify or skip a lot of exercises in the class.
This feeling is familiar. It is the same feeling that I had many times when I was young and approaching the first day of school, knowing that there would be many unknowns, that I might not fit in, and that I would have to figure out how to overcome as yet unknown obstacles. It is both uncomfortable and exciting. Today I did a little back-to-school shopping to ease my nerves: aqua shoes to wear poolside to help avoid slipping, toiletries to keep in my locker room locker, and even a little shower caddy basket from the dollar store to keep them in. I am as prepared as I can be, and of course it will be fine, but I still have a few butterflies in my stomach!
When I was in college and graduate school, I often signed up for PE classes; I took everything from lap swimming to African dance to yoga and Pilates. However, this is the first time since my surgery that I will be taking such a class, and I am very nervous about the idea of trying to fit in and adapt to classes for "normal" people. The main issues with aquacise will be getting in and out of the pool, and managing the wet floors and shower in the locker room; I expect that I will probably be able to do all of the exercises. With yoga, it is the opposite – I will probably look pretty normal until it comes time to do anything that requires balance (which will be often), and then I will have to either modify or skip a lot of exercises in the class.
This feeling is familiar. It is the same feeling that I had many times when I was young and approaching the first day of school, knowing that there would be many unknowns, that I might not fit in, and that I would have to figure out how to overcome as yet unknown obstacles. It is both uncomfortable and exciting. Today I did a little back-to-school shopping to ease my nerves: aqua shoes to wear poolside to help avoid slipping, toiletries to keep in my locker room locker, and even a little shower caddy basket from the dollar store to keep them in. I am as prepared as I can be, and of course it will be fine, but I still have a few butterflies in my stomach!
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Waskesiu
Last weekend we went camping up north. It was lovely to be in an area that had trees that were growing naturally (all the trees around here are planted). We saw many interesting things including a natural bog, many kinds of mushrooms, a bit of wildlife, and forests carpeted in thick moss. I hiked 2 1/2 km with only the assistance of my hiking poles on Saturday, and 2 km the same way on Sunday.
 |
| there are big deer in the forest in the background |
We had a very good time, and although it rained a little bit on Saturday morning, it apparently rained torrentially all weekend in Regina so we certainly got the better deal.
Also, I have been working a bit on my jogging. I can now go for almost a whole minute, though I require probably ten minutes of seated rest afterwards. Jeff recently took this video to show me how much better my jogging looks than it used to:
It is excruciatingly slow (both the jogging and the progress) compared to what I would like it to be, but progress is progress :-)
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