Admitting that I live here

When I moved to San Diego, I registered to vote, and I registered my car there, and got a CA driver's license. I was going to be a responsible citizen, and besides which, that was my new community, and I was going to be a part of it. But I found that every time I pulled out my CA driver's license, I felt like a fraud. I was not a Californian. When the time rolled around to vote on ballot measures and local candidates, I took a look through the voter guide, didn't recognize anyone or anything in it, and threw it away, failing to vote for the first time since I turned 18 and was legally able. As much as I grew to love San Diego, it was just a place I was living, not where I really lived. I realized that as far as I was concerned, I was still an Oregonian.

So then when I moved to Washington, I went ahead and registered my car here (because it is the law), but I didn't bother getting a Washington driver's license, didn't register to vote, and didn't make any real effort to become a Washingtonian. But now I'm creeping up on 2 years since leaving Eugene, and I have been starting to realize that I can't pretend like I still live in Oregon for the rest of my life. In the back of my mind I've had the idea that I will wait until we are "settled," with permanent jobs, and a house, before I bother trying to connect to a new place. But we really don't know where we are going to end up long-term, or when we will be "settled" somewhere. So, mentally, I've been sort of homeless.

Well, we expect to be in Seattle for another year and a half or so, and with no specific plans yet for after that, we very well might end up being here longer. So I'm coming to terms with the fact that maybe I actually live here, and maybe I should start acting like it.

As a first step, on Saturday, Jeff and I went to our local Seattle public library branch (walkable distance from our house), and got library cards. It felt like a big step. As soon as I can find time during DMV hours, I'm going to go replace my CA driver's license (I feel like even more of a fraud with that one now) with a WA one. If I want to work on living in the moment, I also need to work on admitting that I live in this city, and this state.

So, here are a couple of pictures of this city I live in, that I took on my phone while biking home from work on Friday. These are some of the lovely views along my bike commute, loveliest on sunny days, which are more and more frequent as it starts to actually be spring:

Drunk Dialed

Today I was drunk dialed. By a patient. At work. At 10:40am.

The back story is, another psychologist on the hospital psychology consult service (which I manage) has been following a patient who is a chronic alcoholic (24-36 beers per day anyone?) with an injury requiring medical care. But, the patient is not willing to stick to the hospital protocol for managing alcohol withdrawal, so he keeps checking himself out of the hospital to get drunk so that he doesn't go into DTs. But then he comes back through the ER when he needs medical care.

It's actually a total nightmare of a situation, both for providing adequate care, and for figuring out the legal and ethical issues (e.g., would it be safer to just supply him with beer in his hospital room? Is that really any different than providing massive doses of benzodiazepines, which the hospital will do to prevent DTs? Can we hold him against his will in order to provide adequate care?).

But, today, I got a phone message, that was prefaced by about 5 seconds of background noise, leading me to think I'd been pocket dialed. But then all of a sudden, an enthusiastic voice jumped in and said: "Bridget! It's (patient's name)! I'm at Harborview Medical Center! 206-744-####" and then he hung up the phone. The most awesome part of this is that I have never met him, and I have no idea how he got my name or my phone number. I think he was just randomly dialing numbers from his hospital room, got my office, and learned my name from listening to my voicemail. I'm 95% sure he has no idea who he called.

Better

I just re-read my last post, and while much of it is still true, I find that I am much less distressed by all that than I was a month ago. So this post is about how things are better-- than they were a month ago, and a year ago.

Things that are better than they were one month ago:
1. The day after I wrote my last post, I got asked to interview for a one-year position (a postdoc) at Seattle VA doing primarily PTSD/trauma treatment. The day after that I interviewed, and the day after that I was offered the position. I start in mid-September, so I will have over a month off this summer between jobs, at the most beautiful time of year up here (if you want to visit, I'm free in August!). I am looking forward to this job. I believe that the work environment will be a better fit for me, and so will the work, and my commute will be better because I will avoid downtown. Yay!

2. Some individuals that I work with have begun talking with me about their dissatisfaction with our work environment, meaning that I now have some people to gripe with. These are people who are even lower on the totem pole than I am, and because of this I feel like I have a new purpose at work: I've taken on the project of collecting feedback from those at my level and below, with the intention of diplomatically providing some constructive suggestions to our supervisors. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do this, and the best timing, and I have several months to make it happen. If this goes well, it could have a positive impact for a number of people, and if not, it doesn't really matter because I'm leaving :)

3. Daylight hours are longer, and I now bike home in daylight (well, at least dusk) most evenings, making for a less stressful commute.

4. We started planting the garden (peas and lettuce so far), and I have been knitting more often, and even baking occasionally. Hobbies are good.

Things that are better than one year ago:
1. I got a better birthday present this year-- last year the day before my birthday I was told some very scary things by a neurosurgeon (some of which turned out not to be true, or at least not to be nearly as scary as he made them out to be, but at the time I thought I was going to have to face some life-changing stuff). This year the day before my birthday I was offered a job. Better.

2. My health. Last year at this time, I was sick, feeling pretty awful every day, and worried that I was going to have to have brain surgery. This year, I feel so much better that most of the time I am back to normal.

3. I live with my husband, whereas one year ago I did not.

4. I have officially made it all the way through graduate school-- I forget that sometimes!


So really, stuff is pretty good right now. I'm still going back and forth, in and out of that existential crisis, but fortunately it seems that knitting on a sock or digging in the dirt (aka gardening) is enough to snap out of it, at least for a little while :)

Existential crisis

For a while now, I feel like I've been in the middle of an existential crisis. The "what am I doing with my life," "what should I be doing with my life," and "what do I want to be doing with my life" type. And I think maybe I'm not the only one; it seems like a lot of people in my general cohort-- those of us who have just finished or are just finishing grad school-- are having the same dilemma. My situation as I see it, is this:

1. What am I doing with my life? Objectively, I am working in a 1-year postdoc position, and looking for another job that will begin when my current position ends. Outside of my regular job, I am attempting to write publishable papers based on research that I have already completed. My time is divided so that during the week I spend approximately 42-45 hours at work, and 8 hours getting to and from work. Right now I also wake up in the dark, and come home from work in the dark.

Subjectively, I am exhausted much of the time because my job is demanding and I don't have a good social group at work. I hate commuting, I resent my work/commute hours because I miss out on all the daylight (at least while it's winter) and I really don't like going jogging in the dark.

2. What should I be doing with my life? This is all subjective, but I think a lot of people come up with similar "shoulds" so I'm sure we've learned it somewhere. I feel like I should be working toward a successful research career, applying for grants, and for positions at research universities (no matter where they are located). I feel like I should be working on this career on my own time (outside of the job I am paid for), because it is in my best interest. At the same time, I feel like I should be accomplishing this happily and with ease, while also having a balanced life full of hobbies, friends, family, etc. And somehow, I shouldn't feel like it's actually stressful, because this should be exactly what I want.

There is another (competing?) set of shoulds that comes from health research, saying that I should be (and so should you be) exercising 30-60 minutes 5-6 days a week, living a low-stress lifestyle, cooking and eating healthy foods slowly, maintaining social connections, and getting in touch with spirituality.

3. What do I want to be doing with my life? This is a tricky question, which sometimes causes me to hyperventilate a little. Right now though, the answer is that I want to have a job that I find fulfilling, with co-workers I like. I want an easy commute (maybe walking, biking, or some easy and short drive). I also only want to work at my job about 30 hours a week (up to 35 or 40 hours if I really have no commute at all and get a reasonable lunch break), so that I have time during my weekdays to exercise every day, keep in touch with friends and family, do housework, and enjoy my hobbies. I do not want to come home and work after work. I want more than 10 vacation days per year, and health insurance. I want a slow-paced lifestyle, and I want to live in a place where I have friends, in a location that I like living. Oh, and also? I want to live in the same place as my husband, and I want him to be happy in his job too.

So, the major dilemma is this-- these three things are not fully lining up at the moment. I do have some of the things I want, but there is a lot of room for improvement. The obvious answer is that I should be trying to achieve the things in #3, but it's complicated. How do you get there? It seems like sometimes you have to do the things in #2 first, and then after many years of struggle, you might be lucky enough to get to #3. Well, I don't want to wait that long.

There is a quote by Annie Dillard that I really like: "How we spend our days, is of course, how we spend our lives." I'm tired of spending my days waiting for my "real life" to start! Is this just me, or is it true that others are feeling this way?

Snow, Thanksgiving, Work, Christmas Trees

Snow: We did get stuck at home for one day, which turned out to be lovely. I was able to get some work done at a tea shop, and although the roads were frozen solid,
it was a clear day with blue skies and snowy mountains visible:


The next day the roads cleared out enough for me to get to work with a little extra walking, and for us to make our drive to Eugene.

Thanksgiving: It took 8 hours to get there, mostly due to traffic, but we made it to Eugene. We had a nice time visiting with friends, and a nice Thanksgiving with my family:
There really is a family resemblance, isn't there?

Work: Is basically the same as ever, though I'm simplifying my thoughts about my work environment a bit. What it boils down to, I think, is that I work with fairly passive, conflict-avoidant people, in an environment that is not very welcoming and warm. That's really the extent of it, and I think some people can be quite comfortable in that environment, but I don't fit in well, bottom line. I'm working on finding another position for when my current job ends, and I think I may have some good leads.

On the positive side I like the patients I work with. I am continually meeting new and interesting people with new and interesting situations, but amazingly, additions to my list of activities to avoid has petered out a bit. As it turns out, people do the same stupid things over and over again, and it seems there are only so many stupid things people can come up with to do.

A few seasonally related additions to the list, that are less about stupidity and more about unfortunate mishaps:
26. Be very, very careful cleaning your gutters.
27. Keep children away from the hot glass on fireplaces.
28. Do not serve hot cup-o-noodles to children, or leave them within reach.
I expect something related to christmas light hanging to show up soon.

Christmas trees: I'm deciding that my previous thoughts about Seattle are not applicable to the whole city, possibly just certain subgroups (see above). During the snowstorm I talked with some very nice people as we were all just trying to get home, and a few weeks ago I asked for directions on my bike, and another bike commuter went so far as to escort me to my route instead of just telling me directions. The holidays have also highlighted the cheerier side of the city. We bought a tree from a charity group that has a tree lot near our house, and I was struck by how friendly everyone was, both the people working and the tree-purchasers. A teenage boy helped us choose this lovely tree, that ended up being a perfect fit:

I'm feeling the holiday cheer :)