st
k
ng) 
)
For a while now, I feel like I've been in the middle of an existential crisis. The "what am I doing with my life," "what should I be doing with my life," and "what do I want to be doing with my life" type. And I think maybe I'm not the only one; it seems like a lot of people in my general cohort-- those of us who have just finished or are just finishing grad school-- are having the same dilemma. My situation as I see it, is this:
1. What am I doing with my life? Objectively, I am working in a 1-year postdoc position, and looking for another job that will begin when my current position ends. Outside of my regular job, I am attempting to write publishable papers based on research that I have already completed. My time is divided so that during the week I spend approximately 42-45 hours at work, and 8 hours getting to and from work. Right now I also wake up in the dark, and come home from work in the dark.
Subjectively, I am exhausted much of the time because my job is demanding and I don't have a good social group at work. I hate commuting, I resent my work/commute hours because I miss out on all the daylight (at least while it's winter) and I really don't like going jogging in the dark.
2. What should I be doing with my life? This is all subjective, but I think a lot of people come up with similar "shoulds" so I'm sure we've learned it somewhere. I feel like I should be working toward a successful research career, applying for grants, and for positions at research universities (no matter where they are located). I feel like I should be working on this career on my own time (outside of the job I am paid for), because it is in my best interest. At the same time, I feel like I should be accomplishing this happily and with ease, while also having a balanced life full of hobbies, friends, family, etc. And somehow, I shouldn't feel like it's actually stressful, because this should be exactly what I want.
There is another (competing?) set of shoulds that comes from health research, saying that I should be (and so should you be) exercising 30-60 minutes 5-6 days a week, living a low-stress lifestyle, cooking and eating healthy foods slowly, maintaining social connections, and getting in touch with spirituality.
3. What do I want to be doing with my life? This is a tricky question, which sometimes causes me to hyperventilate a little. Right now though, the answer is that I want to have a job that I find fulfilling, with co-workers I like. I want an easy commute (maybe walking, biking, or some easy and short drive). I also only want to work at my job about 30 hours a week (up to 35 or 40 hours if I really have no commute at all and get a reasonable lunch break), so that I have time during my weekdays to exercise every day, keep in touch with friends and family, do housework, and enjoy my hobbies. I do not want to come home and work after work. I want more than 10 vacation days per year, and health insurance. I want a slow-paced lifestyle, and I want to live in a place where I have friends, in a location that I like living. Oh, and also? I want to live in the same place as my husband, and I want him to be happy in his job too.
So, the major dilemma is this-- these three things are not fully lining up at the moment. I do have some of the things I want, but there is a lot of room for improvement. The obvious answer is that I should be trying to achieve the things in #3, but it's complicated. How do you get there? It seems like sometimes you have to do the things in #2 first, and then after many years of struggle, you might be lucky enough to get to #3. Well, I don't want to wait that long.
There is a quote by Annie Dillard that I really like: "How we spend our days, is of course, how we spend our lives." I'm tired of spending my days waiting for my "real life" to start! Is this just me, or is it true that others are feeling this way?
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Snow, Thanksgiving, Work, Christmas Trees
Snow: We did get stuck at home for one day, which turned out to be lovely. I was able to get some work done at a tea shop, and although the roads were frozen solid,
it was a clear day with blue skies and snowy mountains visible:
The next day the roads cleared out enough for me to get to work with a little extra walking, and for us to make our drive to Eugene.
Thanksgiving: It took 8 hours to get there, mostly due to traffic, but we made it to Eugene. We had a nice time visiting with friends, and a nice Thanksgiving with my family:
There really is a family resemblance, isn't there?
Work: Is basically the same as ever, though I'm simplifying my thoughts about my work environment a bit. What it boils down to, I think, is that I work with fairly passive, conflict-avoidant people, in an environment that is not very welcoming and warm. That's really the extent of it, and I think some people can be quite comfortable in that environment, but I don't fit in well, bottom line. I'm working on finding another position for when my current job ends, and I think I may have some good leads.
On the positive side I like the patients I work with. I am continually meeting new and interesting people with new and interesting situations, but amazingly, additions to my list of activities to avoid has petered out a bit. As it turns out, people do the same stupid things over and over again, and it seems there are only so many stupid things people can come up with to do.
A few seasonally related additions to the list, that are less about stupidity and more about unfortunate mishaps:
26. Be very, very careful cleaning your gutters.
27. Keep children away from the hot glass on fireplaces.
28. Do not serve hot cup-o-noodles to children, or leave them within reach.
I expect something related to christmas light hanging to show up soon.
Christmas trees: I'm deciding that my previous thoughts about Seattle are not applicable to the whole city, possibly just certain subgroups (see above). During the snowstorm I talked with some very nice people as we were all just trying to get home, and a few weeks ago I asked for directions on my bike, and another bike commuter went so far as to escort me to my route instead of just telling me directions. The holidays have also highlighted the cheerier side of the city. We bought a tree from a charity group that has a tree lot near our house, and I was struck by how friendly everyone was, both the people working and the tree-purchasers. A teenage boy helped us choose this lovely tree, that ended up being a perfect fit:
I'm feeling the holiday cheer :)
it was a clear day with blue skies and snowy mountains visible:
The next day the roads cleared out enough for me to get to work with a little extra walking, and for us to make our drive to Eugene.
Thanksgiving: It took 8 hours to get there, mostly due to traffic, but we made it to Eugene. We had a nice time visiting with friends, and a nice Thanksgiving with my family:
There really is a family resemblance, isn't there?Work: Is basically the same as ever, though I'm simplifying my thoughts about my work environment a bit. What it boils down to, I think, is that I work with fairly passive, conflict-avoidant people, in an environment that is not very welcoming and warm. That's really the extent of it, and I think some people can be quite comfortable in that environment, but I don't fit in well, bottom line. I'm working on finding another position for when my current job ends, and I think I may have some good leads.
On the positive side I like the patients I work with. I am continually meeting new and interesting people with new and interesting situations, but amazingly, additions to my list of activities to avoid has petered out a bit. As it turns out, people do the same stupid things over and over again, and it seems there are only so many stupid things people can come up with to do.
A few seasonally related additions to the list, that are less about stupidity and more about unfortunate mishaps:
26. Be very, very careful cleaning your gutters.
27. Keep children away from the hot glass on fireplaces.
28. Do not serve hot cup-o-noodles to children, or leave them within reach.
I expect something related to christmas light hanging to show up soon.
Christmas trees: I'm deciding that my previous thoughts about Seattle are not applicable to the whole city, possibly just certain subgroups (see above). During the snowstorm I talked with some very nice people as we were all just trying to get home, and a few weeks ago I asked for directions on my bike, and another bike commuter went so far as to escort me to my route instead of just telling me directions. The holidays have also highlighted the cheerier side of the city. We bought a tree from a charity group that has a tree lot near our house, and I was struck by how friendly everyone was, both the people working and the tree-purchasers. A teenage boy helped us choose this lovely tree, that ended up being a perfect fit:
I'm feeling the holiday cheer :)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Cats and snow
Last week my sister and her partner flew in from Norway, and stayed with us for a while before heading down to Eugene (where they will be until just after christmas). We had a nice visit, but it seems that our cats were not too happy about having house guests. First, some background:
Our dear fat gray cat has always had some behavior problems-- her whole life she has thought that rugs and floor mats are a lot of fun to poop on (I will be forever apologetic to Elaine, discoverer of the first little poo burrito, rolled up in the kitchen floor mat when we were roommates back in 2001). It has been a particular problem since our move into our new place, and I think maybe it has been related to territory wars and being terrorized by our little tortoise shell demon (who is incredibly sweet to us, but not so much to anyone else). Our division of labor currently has Jeff in charge of cleaning up after the cats, and Jeff has been in a constant battle with the poo problem, equipped with an arsenal to clean up the aftermath, but also trying to figure out some way to prevent our cat from "coloring outside the lines," as it were, in the first place. Somehow, this poo on the rug trick seems to be a sport to her-- no matter what we try we can't cure her completely of this, though the compulsion will disappear for months, even years, at a time, and only happens sporadically. The only thing that has been consistent is that she will show us exactly what she thinks of us going on vacation, the day we get back.
So, when our guests arrived, the break in routine seemed to upset the cats, and the poo wars came to a head. For the first time since an unfortunate series of events back in 2002 (so sorry to Veronica, my roommate at the time, who was caught in the crossfire), our cat peed in a non-designated area (our laundry basket). This was the final straw, and Jeff has taken a more aggressive approach to the problem. We now have litterboxes all over the house (we are up to three separate indoor approved-for-poo locations), and Jeff installed a cat door (not generally recommended in a rental, but we are desperate). Jeff also bought a new cat toy in his attempt to broker a treaty. For the past 24 hours, so far so good. But it's anyone's guess how long the cease-fire will last.
On another note, do you know what cats love? Snow! Today it snowed a little bit! It didn't stick, but I'm hoping that maybe we'll get some accumulation tomorrow. Not so much that we get stuck on top of our hill (we don't currently have tire chains that fit our car), but enough that we can enjoy the pretty winter weather. It is predicted to be a cold snowy winter here this year, and I'm really hoping that will come true-- snow is such a fun thing in places where it doesn't snow much.
Our dear fat gray cat has always had some behavior problems-- her whole life she has thought that rugs and floor mats are a lot of fun to poop on (I will be forever apologetic to Elaine, discoverer of the first little poo burrito, rolled up in the kitchen floor mat when we were roommates back in 2001). It has been a particular problem since our move into our new place, and I think maybe it has been related to territory wars and being terrorized by our little tortoise shell demon (who is incredibly sweet to us, but not so much to anyone else). Our division of labor currently has Jeff in charge of cleaning up after the cats, and Jeff has been in a constant battle with the poo problem, equipped with an arsenal to clean up the aftermath, but also trying to figure out some way to prevent our cat from "coloring outside the lines," as it were, in the first place. Somehow, this poo on the rug trick seems to be a sport to her-- no matter what we try we can't cure her completely of this, though the compulsion will disappear for months, even years, at a time, and only happens sporadically. The only thing that has been consistent is that she will show us exactly what she thinks of us going on vacation, the day we get back.
So, when our guests arrived, the break in routine seemed to upset the cats, and the poo wars came to a head. For the first time since an unfortunate series of events back in 2002 (so sorry to Veronica, my roommate at the time, who was caught in the crossfire), our cat peed in a non-designated area (our laundry basket). This was the final straw, and Jeff has taken a more aggressive approach to the problem. We now have litterboxes all over the house (we are up to three separate indoor approved-for-poo locations), and Jeff installed a cat door (not generally recommended in a rental, but we are desperate). Jeff also bought a new cat toy in his attempt to broker a treaty. For the past 24 hours, so far so good. But it's anyone's guess how long the cease-fire will last.
On another note, do you know what cats love? Snow! Today it snowed a little bit! It didn't stick, but I'm hoping that maybe we'll get some accumulation tomorrow. Not so much that we get stuck on top of our hill (we don't currently have tire chains that fit our car), but enough that we can enjoy the pretty winter weather. It is predicted to be a cold snowy winter here this year, and I'm really hoping that will come true-- snow is such a fun thing in places where it doesn't snow much.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Hallowversary
Today is the 8th anniversary of my first date with Jeff. We have our wedding anniversary in August, but we have our "hallowversary" on the last day of October. We always seem to celebrate with candy, pumpkins, and costumes for the occasion :)
Our first date started out as a "not a date," when we decided to go together to a group-costume themed graduate student halloween party. Since the party was to be held on the weekend after halloween, we decided we would spend the evening of halloween making our costume. It quickly progressed to an "is this a date?," when our costume idea failed, and we decided to just forget it and watch a movie instead (Top Gun; obviously Jeff's choice). It then turned into an actual date when Jeff pulled a very sly (not at all sly) arm-across-the-couch move when I got up to get the movie out of the VCR, and when I came back to the couch I had to decide whether to sit far, or sit close. I chose to sit close, and eight years later, here we are :)
One thing I really missed when I was in San Diego was a real fall season. I know that some people say that the northwest only has two seasons (summer and rain), but that's just not true; fall is very distinct here. I am very much enjoying watching the leaves drift off of the trees in our yard, and having the opportunity to start wearing scarves and woolly socks again. Of course, being in a larger city it's not quite as easy to get out to a local farm for harvest activities (pumpkin picking, apples, etc.), so I still miss that. And I wish I could partake in the long-standing tradition of attending the mushroom festival, but alas, there is nothing quite like it for the city-dwellers up here (at least not that I know of).
I guess I will have to be content with knitting, drinking tea, and making apple pie (which I haven't done yet this fall, but doesn't it sound good? I promise pie to anyone who comes and visits).
Our first date started out as a "not a date," when we decided to go together to a group-costume themed graduate student halloween party. Since the party was to be held on the weekend after halloween, we decided we would spend the evening of halloween making our costume. It quickly progressed to an "is this a date?," when our costume idea failed, and we decided to just forget it and watch a movie instead (Top Gun; obviously Jeff's choice). It then turned into an actual date when Jeff pulled a very sly (not at all sly) arm-across-the-couch move when I got up to get the movie out of the VCR, and when I came back to the couch I had to decide whether to sit far, or sit close. I chose to sit close, and eight years later, here we are :)
One thing I really missed when I was in San Diego was a real fall season. I know that some people say that the northwest only has two seasons (summer and rain), but that's just not true; fall is very distinct here. I am very much enjoying watching the leaves drift off of the trees in our yard, and having the opportunity to start wearing scarves and woolly socks again. Of course, being in a larger city it's not quite as easy to get out to a local farm for harvest activities (pumpkin picking, apples, etc.), so I still miss that. And I wish I could partake in the long-standing tradition of attending the mushroom festival, but alas, there is nothing quite like it for the city-dwellers up here (at least not that I know of).
I guess I will have to be content with knitting, drinking tea, and making apple pie (which I haven't done yet this fall, but doesn't it sound good? I promise pie to anyone who comes and visits).
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Fall
As disappointing as the summer weather was up here, I have to say that I have been very impressed by our fall. There has been a surprising amount of autumn sunshine, and it's been fairly beautiful. Which I am very glad for, because now I can feel okay about all the rain that is predicted starting today-- it will feel cozy and fall-like instead of just gray and bleak.
I'm still working on finding some balance with work, and I realized that I have been doing an unusually large amount of DVD-watching and video-game playing. I think I'm still a little exhausted by all the new-ness of being in this city and at this job, and when I come home, I want mindlessness.
I also think that Jeff and I are still rebounding from our year apart, and so we spend a lot of time just sitting together, watching tv shows and movies, playing super mario on the wii, and doing crosswords. I realized how much we are still enjoying just being near each other when this morning we met on the stairs, me going up, him coming down, and we stopped. We were both changing location so we could be nearer to each other, even though the activities we were doing were totally independent. It made me smile :)
I'm still working on finding some balance with work, and I realized that I have been doing an unusually large amount of DVD-watching and video-game playing. I think I'm still a little exhausted by all the new-ness of being in this city and at this job, and when I come home, I want mindlessness.
I also think that Jeff and I are still rebounding from our year apart, and so we spend a lot of time just sitting together, watching tv shows and movies, playing super mario on the wii, and doing crosswords. I realized how much we are still enjoying just being near each other when this morning we met on the stairs, me going up, him coming down, and we stopped. We were both changing location so we could be nearer to each other, even though the activities we were doing were totally independent. It made me smile :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)