Drunk Dialed

Today I was drunk dialed. By a patient. At work. At 10:40am.

The back story is, another psychologist on the hospital psychology consult service (which I manage) has been following a patient who is a chronic alcoholic (24-36 beers per day anyone?) with an injury requiring medical care. But, the patient is not willing to stick to the hospital protocol for managing alcohol withdrawal, so he keeps checking himself out of the hospital to get drunk so that he doesn't go into DTs. But then he comes back through the ER when he needs medical care.

It's actually a total nightmare of a situation, both for providing adequate care, and for figuring out the legal and ethical issues (e.g., would it be safer to just supply him with beer in his hospital room? Is that really any different than providing massive doses of benzodiazepines, which the hospital will do to prevent DTs? Can we hold him against his will in order to provide adequate care?).

But, today, I got a phone message, that was prefaced by about 5 seconds of background noise, leading me to think I'd been pocket dialed. But then all of a sudden, an enthusiastic voice jumped in and said: "Bridget! It's (patient's name)! I'm at Harborview Medical Center! 206-744-####" and then he hung up the phone. The most awesome part of this is that I have never met him, and I have no idea how he got my name or my phone number. I think he was just randomly dialing numbers from his hospital room, got my office, and learned my name from listening to my voicemail. I'm 95% sure he has no idea who he called.

Better

I just re-read my last post, and while much of it is still true, I find that I am much less distressed by all that than I was a month ago. So this post is about how things are better-- than they were a month ago, and a year ago.

Things that are better than they were one month ago:
1. The day after I wrote my last post, I got asked to interview for a one-year position (a postdoc) at Seattle VA doing primarily PTSD/trauma treatment. The day after that I interviewed, and the day after that I was offered the position. I start in mid-September, so I will have over a month off this summer between jobs, at the most beautiful time of year up here (if you want to visit, I'm free in August!). I am looking forward to this job. I believe that the work environment will be a better fit for me, and so will the work, and my commute will be better because I will avoid downtown. Yay!

2. Some individuals that I work with have begun talking with me about their dissatisfaction with our work environment, meaning that I now have some people to gripe with. These are people who are even lower on the totem pole than I am, and because of this I feel like I have a new purpose at work: I've taken on the project of collecting feedback from those at my level and below, with the intention of diplomatically providing some constructive suggestions to our supervisors. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do this, and the best timing, and I have several months to make it happen. If this goes well, it could have a positive impact for a number of people, and if not, it doesn't really matter because I'm leaving :)

3. Daylight hours are longer, and I now bike home in daylight (well, at least dusk) most evenings, making for a less stressful commute.

4. We started planting the garden (peas and lettuce so far), and I have been knitting more often, and even baking occasionally. Hobbies are good.

Things that are better than one year ago:
1. I got a better birthday present this year-- last year the day before my birthday I was told some very scary things by a neurosurgeon (some of which turned out not to be true, or at least not to be nearly as scary as he made them out to be, but at the time I thought I was going to have to face some life-changing stuff). This year the day before my birthday I was offered a job. Better.

2. My health. Last year at this time, I was sick, feeling pretty awful every day, and worried that I was going to have to have brain surgery. This year, I feel so much better that most of the time I am back to normal.

3. I live with my husband, whereas one year ago I did not.

4. I have officially made it all the way through graduate school-- I forget that sometimes!


So really, stuff is pretty good right now. I'm still going back and forth, in and out of that existential crisis, but fortunately it seems that knitting on a sock or digging in the dirt (aka gardening) is enough to snap out of it, at least for a little while :)

Existential crisis

For a while now, I feel like I've been in the middle of an existential crisis. The "what am I doing with my life," "what should I be doing with my life," and "what do I want to be doing with my life" type. And I think maybe I'm not the only one; it seems like a lot of people in my general cohort-- those of us who have just finished or are just finishing grad school-- are having the same dilemma. My situation as I see it, is this:

1. What am I doing with my life? Objectively, I am working in a 1-year postdoc position, and looking for another job that will begin when my current position ends. Outside of my regular job, I am attempting to write publishable papers based on research that I have already completed. My time is divided so that during the week I spend approximately 42-45 hours at work, and 8 hours getting to and from work. Right now I also wake up in the dark, and come home from work in the dark.

Subjectively, I am exhausted much of the time because my job is demanding and I don't have a good social group at work. I hate commuting, I resent my work/commute hours because I miss out on all the daylight (at least while it's winter) and I really don't like going jogging in the dark.

2. What should I be doing with my life? This is all subjective, but I think a lot of people come up with similar "shoulds" so I'm sure we've learned it somewhere. I feel like I should be working toward a successful research career, applying for grants, and for positions at research universities (no matter where they are located). I feel like I should be working on this career on my own time (outside of the job I am paid for), because it is in my best interest. At the same time, I feel like I should be accomplishing this happily and with ease, while also having a balanced life full of hobbies, friends, family, etc. And somehow, I shouldn't feel like it's actually stressful, because this should be exactly what I want.

There is another (competing?) set of shoulds that comes from health research, saying that I should be (and so should you be) exercising 30-60 minutes 5-6 days a week, living a low-stress lifestyle, cooking and eating healthy foods slowly, maintaining social connections, and getting in touch with spirituality.

3. What do I want to be doing with my life? This is a tricky question, which sometimes causes me to hyperventilate a little. Right now though, the answer is that I want to have a job that I find fulfilling, with co-workers I like. I want an easy commute (maybe walking, biking, or some easy and short drive). I also only want to work at my job about 30 hours a week (up to 35 or 40 hours if I really have no commute at all and get a reasonable lunch break), so that I have time during my weekdays to exercise every day, keep in touch with friends and family, do housework, and enjoy my hobbies. I do not want to come home and work after work. I want more than 10 vacation days per year, and health insurance. I want a slow-paced lifestyle, and I want to live in a place where I have friends, in a location that I like living. Oh, and also? I want to live in the same place as my husband, and I want him to be happy in his job too.

So, the major dilemma is this-- these three things are not fully lining up at the moment. I do have some of the things I want, but there is a lot of room for improvement. The obvious answer is that I should be trying to achieve the things in #3, but it's complicated. How do you get there? It seems like sometimes you have to do the things in #2 first, and then after many years of struggle, you might be lucky enough to get to #3. Well, I don't want to wait that long.

There is a quote by Annie Dillard that I really like: "How we spend our days, is of course, how we spend our lives." I'm tired of spending my days waiting for my "real life" to start! Is this just me, or is it true that others are feeling this way?

Snow, Thanksgiving, Work, Christmas Trees

Snow: We did get stuck at home for one day, which turned out to be lovely. I was able to get some work done at a tea shop, and although the roads were frozen solid,
it was a clear day with blue skies and snowy mountains visible:


The next day the roads cleared out enough for me to get to work with a little extra walking, and for us to make our drive to Eugene.

Thanksgiving: It took 8 hours to get there, mostly due to traffic, but we made it to Eugene. We had a nice time visiting with friends, and a nice Thanksgiving with my family:
There really is a family resemblance, isn't there?

Work: Is basically the same as ever, though I'm simplifying my thoughts about my work environment a bit. What it boils down to, I think, is that I work with fairly passive, conflict-avoidant people, in an environment that is not very welcoming and warm. That's really the extent of it, and I think some people can be quite comfortable in that environment, but I don't fit in well, bottom line. I'm working on finding another position for when my current job ends, and I think I may have some good leads.

On the positive side I like the patients I work with. I am continually meeting new and interesting people with new and interesting situations, but amazingly, additions to my list of activities to avoid has petered out a bit. As it turns out, people do the same stupid things over and over again, and it seems there are only so many stupid things people can come up with to do.

A few seasonally related additions to the list, that are less about stupidity and more about unfortunate mishaps:
26. Be very, very careful cleaning your gutters.
27. Keep children away from the hot glass on fireplaces.
28. Do not serve hot cup-o-noodles to children, or leave them within reach.
I expect something related to christmas light hanging to show up soon.

Christmas trees: I'm deciding that my previous thoughts about Seattle are not applicable to the whole city, possibly just certain subgroups (see above). During the snowstorm I talked with some very nice people as we were all just trying to get home, and a few weeks ago I asked for directions on my bike, and another bike commuter went so far as to escort me to my route instead of just telling me directions. The holidays have also highlighted the cheerier side of the city. We bought a tree from a charity group that has a tree lot near our house, and I was struck by how friendly everyone was, both the people working and the tree-purchasers. A teenage boy helped us choose this lovely tree, that ended up being a perfect fit:

I'm feeling the holiday cheer :)

Cats and snow

Last week my sister and her partner flew in from Norway, and stayed with us for a while before heading down to Eugene (where they will be until just after christmas). We had a nice visit, but it seems that our cats were not too happy about having house guests. First, some background:

Our dear fat gray cat has always had some behavior problems-- her whole life she has thought that rugs and floor mats are a lot of fun to poop on (I will be forever apologetic to Elaine, discoverer of the first little poo burrito, rolled up in the kitchen floor mat when we were roommates back in 2001). It has been a particular problem since our move into our new place, and I think maybe it has been related to territory wars and being terrorized by our little tortoise shell demon (who is incredibly sweet to us, but not so much to anyone else). Our division of labor currently has Jeff in charge of cleaning up after the cats, and Jeff has been in a constant battle with the poo problem, equipped with an arsenal to clean up the aftermath, but also trying to figure out some way to prevent our cat from "coloring outside the lines," as it were, in the first place. Somehow, this poo on the rug trick seems to be a sport to her-- no matter what we try we can't cure her completely of this, though the compulsion will disappear for months, even years, at a time, and only happens sporadically. The only thing that has been consistent is that she will show us exactly what she thinks of us going on vacation, the day we get back.

So, when our guests arrived, the break in routine seemed to upset the cats, and the poo wars came to a head. For the first time since an unfortunate series of events back in 2002 (so sorry to Veronica, my roommate at the time, who was caught in the crossfire), our cat peed in a non-designated area (our laundry basket). This was the final straw, and Jeff has taken a more aggressive approach to the problem. We now have litterboxes all over the house (we are up to three separate indoor approved-for-poo locations), and Jeff installed a cat door (not generally recommended in a rental, but we are desperate). Jeff also bought a new cat toy in his attempt to broker a treaty. For the past 24 hours, so far so good. But it's anyone's guess how long the cease-fire will last.

On another note, do you know what cats love? Snow! Today it snowed a little bit! It didn't stick, but I'm hoping that maybe we'll get some accumulation tomorrow. Not so much that we get stuck on top of our hill (we don't currently have tire chains that fit our car), but enough that we can enjoy the pretty winter weather. It is predicted to be a cold snowy winter here this year, and I'm really hoping that will come true-- snow is such a fun thing in places where it doesn't snow much.