On the bright side...

My vertigo and numbness are unchanged, and possibly a bit worse since last week, but there are bright sides. Since Friday I've been feeling less fatigued, and I'm hoping my energy level will keep improving. The best part though, is that I haven't had too much nausea. Two years ago when I had my first bleed, the nausea was the hardest part to cope with, so being mostly spared on that front is a blessing.

I am adjusting to life with these symptoms again, and re-learning to work around the discomfort of them. I'm also finding myself intrigued by them at times. For example the fact that my numbness (due to the very specific location of the lesion) it is on the left side of my face and the right side for my hand leads to a very odd sensation when I wash my face. Rubbing my face on the numb side with a hand that is not numb, and on the not numb side with a hand that is numb is a weird feeling indeed. Also, I'm not sure how to describe having a half-numb tongue, but it is also a weird and interesting sensation.

I really appreciate the e-mails of support from people. I might be a bit slow in responding, and while there's nothing new about that, at least now I have an excuse :)

Here we go again...

As bad luck would have it, it appears that the cavernous malformation in my brainstem is bleeding again. I am numb on the left side of my face and in my right hand, and I have extremely uncomfortable vertigo and developing nausea. So this kind of sucks.

It's definitely disappointing to have this come up again. Re-bleeding is most common in the first 2 years after an initial bleed, and some people never have another bleed. I was hoping I would be one of those people. Each re-bleed indicates increased chances of a future bleed, and thus increased chances of more serious or more permanent neurological symptoms/deficits. So yeah, this definitely sucks.

But, compared to how things were 2 years ago, when I had my first bleed, I at least feel like I'm in a better place to deal with it. For many reasons.

First, I am living with my husband now, and two years ago I was not. The benefit of this, in both practical and emotional terms, is huge. My friends in SD were extremely helpful when I went through this before, but the whole lot of them could not add up to one Jeff in this respect (sorry guys).

Second, I know what the heck is going on this time. I am not totally freaked out, wondering exactly what this is, what I'm supposed to do, and whether I'm going to have to have brain surgery. There is uncertainty, sure, but I know exactly what that uncertainty looks like.

Third, I already know some tricks for managing these symptoms. For one, I know that exercise doesn't hurt, it helps. So yesterday Jeff and I did our 12-mile training run, as planned, and my symptoms felt a little better for a couple of hours (despite being physically very tired).

So it could be worse. I handled it once, I know I can handle it again, and I'm hopeful that once again the symptoms will eventually resolve. And hopefully for good this time :)

Seven mostly unrelated statements

1. Today Jeff and I got to meet this baby:

Six-week old baby E. and her momma (our friend from grad school) are both looking beautiful, don't you think?

2. Sometime last fall I finally admitted to myself that I really do get migraine headaches. I went to my doctor, got a prescription for the kind medication you take when you feel a migraine coming on, and it turns out that these pills work pretty well like magic for me. Now that I know how to use these magic pills, and am able to stop in its tracks a process that used to mean feeling crappy for a couple of days at a time, I'm feeling pretty silly for not getting them a long time ago.

3. Jeff and I ran 11 miles yesterday, even though we only meant to run 10. Sometimes my mapping/planning skills are a little off, but we did fine! We are easily going to be ready for the half-marathon at the end of March.

4. Presidents day came and went and I have not planted my peas (as you may know, here in the northwest, we plant our peas on presidents day). I decided to wait for a cold spell predicted for this week to pass, and I will plant them next weekend instead.

5. I am now actually really studying for the psychology licensing exam. I have been "studying" since sometime last fall, then took a break for a couple of months, and just got back into it about two weeks ago. Now that I'm actually putting adequate time into it, I'm making progress.

6. Jeff has now been short-listed and/or interviewed by a total of 4 of the schools he applied to for jobs, and he is still a contender for two of them. He has a phone interview tomorrow, so fingers crossed!

7. I have applied to over 10 jobs so far, almost all of which are VA positions, with more upcoming application deadlines on the horizon. Last week I was offered a phone interview for a position in Honolulu! It's a temporary (2 year) grant-funded position through a research institute affiliated with the National Centers for PTSD. There are at least a dozen reasons why this might not work out, but keep your fingers crossed for me on Wednesday afternoon :)

Upward trend

Lately I have been pretty stressed out by some things, all related to the ongoing fact of being very unsettled, future-wise. This is nothing new. It's about being in this purgatory between grad school and "real job," and a whole lot of people I know are in the same boat. But, I have empirical evidence to suggest that what is stressful today will likely eventually be yesterday's news. A few examples pop to mind, as I think about where I was in Februaries past:

Eight years ago around this time, I was unemployed. It was a relatively brief unemployment, after finishing my MA, and happened to coincide with waiting to hear about whether I was accepted into PhD programs. I was extremely stressed, financially and emotionally. And then just like that, I got a part-time job, and soon after that, I got into grad school, and that was that. And actually, something good came out of that stressful period-- I crocheted a blanket to ease stress and fill idle time, and I sleep with that blanket most nights in the winter these days.

Two years ago at this time, I was sick. Really, really sick (from that little bleed I had in my brainstem). I often acted like I was not sick, and that was helpful for getting me through it. But looking back, comparing how I feel now to how I felt then, it is like night and day. I still have some residual symptoms, which I get annoyed by at times. But when I think back to how things were 2 years ago, I realize just how bad off I was then, and how healthy I am now. One really good thing that came out of that experience was strengthening some friendships-- since I was living away from Jeff, I relied a lot on my internship friends during that time, and they were truly there for me. Thanks guys :)

One year ago, I was in a job that was extremely stressful. I got some really good stories out of it, but for many reasons, it was not the kind of place I could stay for long. Once again, I tried to act like it was fine, but realistically, when that job ended, it was like a huge weight had been lifted. My current position? Totally different. I don't come home from work and complain every day. I have energy left at the end of most days. I actually enjoy my work, my environment, and my co-workers. The only major bad thing about this job is that it has to end in September :(

So I'm hoping that soon some of the current stressors will resolve themselves, making way for whatever new ones are sure to follow.

Spring?

Two weeks ago we were digging out of a snow storm, and this weekend it appears to be spring!

Saturday morning Jeff and I went for a lovely 9-mile jog. This is the longest distance I have run in over 2 years (maybe longer?), and I am feeling really good to be getting into that kind of shape again. The motivation for the long runs is that we are training for a half-marathon, at the end of March, that involves running all the way around Mercer Island. Jeff ran it by himself last year, and this year I'm going to join him. We have 7 weeks to prepare to be able to run 4 miles longer than we did yesterday, which I'm hoping should be a breeze.

Speaking of breezes, yesterday afternoon we went out to Gas Works Park to fly kites:

Is it just me, or do I look like a vagrant in that picture? It's hard to figure out what to wear, being in a winter mindset with a sudden attack of spring weather.

The kite on the bottom right is mine:


And here's Jeff:


Punxsutawney Phil might have predicted 6 more weeks of winter, but I have my fingers crossed for a lot more early spring :)